Has your Mate ever said these awful words to you? Or perhaps you’ve been the one to say these awful words to your Mate. Did you stumble across a text, picture, receipt, social media site, or even a child? Was it your intuition as most call it, or was the writing on the wall? If these words have been conveyed to you, how did you feel? Did you feel broken, betrayed, confused, unloved, unappreciated, insecure, angry, revengeful, hurt, disappointed or that the life you once knew was a lie and over? Will it be safe to say that you’ve probably felt all these emotions, and if not more? If you were the Perpetrator did you feel guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, selfish, unloyal, neglected, or unloved? Just think that temporary pleasure or infatuation could cost you everything. Or are you ready to walk away from all that you built with your mate to start something that was built on a lie and a secret? A lot of times we hear from both males and females of this generation state “I could never forgive being cheated on, that is an unforgivable act”. Once upon a time, I was that female and I vowed to never stay with a man that cheated on me either. Whether we were married or together, for me that was the worst thing MY MAN could do to me. I guess the saying is true, “Never say what you will and won’t do until you’re faced with the situation”.
Growing up I watched Wives or “Old Ladies” as their Mates would affectionately call them allow their significant other to cheat on them. I never understood why a woman would be willing to share her man with another woman. To know that he’s spending time with her, could possibly have children with her, and he feels some type of emotion for her is an unbearable thought. I would think that caring this weight and burden, would eventually torture the mind. Knowing someone other than you has your mate’s heart, and to make matters worse everyone knows your business because it is not a secret. But yet everyday there are hot meals on the table, the house is cleaned, and the children are well taking care of. You dare not say anything because if you do, there’s a strong possibility that he will walk out on you and go to her. So your mind tells you that some of him is better than none of him. The fact that he’s the bread winner, you have no career, and the children need their Father. Leaves you in a vulnerable situation that can potentially ruin your self worth, esteem, and mentality. You can’t talk to your girlfriends because most of them are in the same situation if not worse. So you learn to live with it, accept it, and you say nothing.
Now, we’re in the new age era where women have careers and are very independent. Most have been broken due to their childhood and run from the very thought of being just like their Mother. Never truly giving love a chance or themselves the opportunity to break the generational curses of fear, mental, and emotional abuse. So then we take on the mindset of “Independent Women” we dress in our best name brand clothes, keep our hair fly, and our faces beat, while driving the latest cars. While hoping and praying no one truly sees what’s really going on under the mask. We don’t trust men because of past experiences or because of how we saw our Mothers end up. We adopt the “I don’t need a Man” syndrome, when in fact that’s the very reason God created Woman. I’m telling you, I have felt this way and have been a victim of circumstance. I would be lying to you if I told you that I never was cheated on, or that I never cheated. I would be the first to tell you that people make mistakes and everyone is entitled to forgiveness. Even if you choose not to stay in the relationship, forgiving them frees you. Understand that you will not be the only person or the last person to ever be cheated on. Yes, it’s very painful and honestly I wouldn’t wish that pain on my worst enemy. The GREAT NEWS IS, there is LIFE AFTER, Betty Wright has a song called “After the Pain” and in this song she says “After the pain you come and love me… and I welcome you… You’re a glad sight to see…. and after the rain…. and all that I have been through
I still can’t explain…. How I can still love you like I do…. But I do, yes, I do”. I know I have taken some of you back with this song and you’re probably thinking “No Pain, No Gain” another one of her hits. In that song she says “I was earning my Man, while I was learning my Man, it’s something you young girls may not understand”. Every marriage and relationship hits hard times and we must do the work to keep what is ours. Now make no mistake, I’m not telling you to stay in a dysfunctional relationship. However, there is a root to everything and although you can’t make someone cheat on you nor are you responsible for their actions. There could be a strong possibility of a communication breakdown that can destroy any relationship. Communicate with your mate daily, build them up and don’t tear them down, be honest and open, and don’t be afraid to schedule therapy outside of the church.
Recently, we saw on the hit Reality Show “Mary Mary” Tina is dealing with her Husband Teddy’s infidelity. I commend her for attempting to forgive her Husband and wanting to save their marriage. I’m sure Tina thought, just as I did, and probably some of you “this will never happen to me”. Well, it did and it’s real! I’m sure people told her she was stupid and to leave her Husband. It is NEVER anyone’s place to tell a Husband or Wife to leave their Spouse. As a matter of fact the Bible warns us of this by saying “What God has joint together let no one separate”. That includes the Victim and Perpetrator; we should never be willing, to be so quick to walk out the door on something as precious as marriage. Just as a Mate shouldn’t be so quick to run to someone else to get what they are lacking at home….Yet we all fall short. But don’t the Marriage Vows say “For better or for worse”? Yes it does and worse can be that very thing that tries to destroy your marriage that you MUST stand against. I wrote this Blog, not to persuade you to stay in an unhealthy relationship like some our Grandmothers, Mothers, and Aunts did while becoming bitter and broken. But to encourage you to tap into their strength, courage, and learn how to forgive the unforgivable. Don’t be so quick to leave, separate, or divorce get to bottom of the real problem and try to build from there. Connect with other married couples that have been together for some time. Keep your single friends out of marriage conversation because they can’t relate. Set a prayer time for you and your Spouse. Create a date night without the kids and stick with it. Plan family fun days, whether outside of the home or inside the home be creative. Cook together as often as possible and eat dinner together. Fellas KNOW THIS; YES the grass may be greener on the other side and if it is, KNOW the water bill will be higher. Sistas, A Man doesn’t want a lazy, none cooking, miss know it all, trifling, partying, money spending, no goal having Woman. Make sure your Mans house is cleaned when he gets off of work and that you don’t nag him as soon as he walks in the door. Don’t go to bed every night with a scarf on your head and NEVER go to bed with an attitude. Last but not least, buy a gift bag and take him to lingerie store and allow him to pick out some lingerie. Go home put them in the gift bag and every chance you get. Present him with the gift bag to pick what you’re about to put on for him. Remember, either you grow together or you grow apart……Let’s Do Better & in the words of AL Green “Let’s Stay Together”! Please Leave a Comment, Share your thoughts, or ask a question. Don’t forget to check out our Website and other Blogs…. We Appreciate You!! ~Tyra
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