Balance Of Realities

I recently just moved out on my own and I’m experiencing the real struggle of balance. I had to get a job in order to pay my bills. Story of our lives, right? I know. One thing that was repeating in the back of my head before this journey had really begun was to “stay focused.” There’s a goal I’m trying to reach that extends beyond financial freedom into eternal happiness. I want to be able to live the life I want to live but unfortunately freedom is so far away from free. So, I embarked on a warehouse journey as a temp working mandatory 12 hour days, 6 days a week for a duration of 3 weeks. I signed up for this job to gain a lot of money in a short period of time to open up room for my independent endeavors. The job was fairly easy for the most part but working from my heart to not even so much as using my head for a job starts to get old really fast for me. I always knew from the beginning of my laboring days that I’m particular about the things I take part in. My time and energy is very valuable to me beyond words and ultimately as a young girl I knew I needed to create my own legacy in order to truly be satisfied with my work and work environment. I noticed that I work hard and get a lot done for companies that don’t even appreciate the slightest bit of effort I put forth to propel their business. The irony is madness on numerous levels because you know that your existence is valuable yet you never truly get to feel it when the result is credited to someone or something else or not credited at all when due. I’ve seen staff become angry with workers in unfortunate situations simply because they couldn’t be in attendance to work but then turn around and harass them while they’re there working hard. Anyhow, long story short, I’ve really missed writing and learning through my work. While in the warehouse it was hard for me to even try to tune into my creativity or organize my thought patterns. The distraction is so real. My work didn’t even require much brain activity yet my creative nature had a very hard time kicking in. The balance I’ve had to really work hard on is the “necessary norm” of working for someone else to keep money rolling in, and working for myself to create my own material that will one day be self sustainable. My mother really conditioned me to have such an open mind and understand different concepts and perspectives of life. She really wanted me to be able to stay home in her care so that I could focus more on my own material than have to think of those extras. I was really grateful and continue to be grateful for the foundation she has laid for me. Without her I would have a much more difficult time believing in my own potential to make my dreams a reality. Independence is just something that kept tugging at me and ultimately I felt that in order for me to grow in all other aspects I had to step off the porch and take her rearing thus far really seriously. My home was my safe place. I could be myself and didn’t have to feel the oppressing energies of others. Although my antisocial, isolating behaviors can indeed become unhealthy at some point, for the most part it was beneficial for me. In my solitude I work on myself from the inside out. Its my time to be completely honest with myself about any and everything. It’s a time for reflecting and healing. I learn to truly love myself and believe in my abilities. During this time of healing, things that I am really passionate about come to surface. What makes me genuinely happy begins to reveal itself. Inspiration is at an all time high and I’m motivated to teach myself things and create my own version of what’s presented. I feel that my solitude is what regenerates and sustains an abundance of energy for me. I noticed I go out into the world and there’s things I give my energy to and then there’s things that just take from me. I feel stripped of everything good that I have to give when I leave it to others to do what they’re supposed to do with my energy. I can’t say that I’ve got life all figured out but one thing I am very in tune with is my own being. I feel it slip away as it goes and I feel it rejuvenate me as I become one with it again. The one thing I, myself can rely on is the way that I feel deep inside. this three week journey of not being able to blog or just write or think in my creative nature has been torture. I was working hard, getting a lot done and making decent money but felt I was making absolutely no progress. Ultimately there’s a force compelling me to spend my time investing in my unique characteristics. Making room for my gifts so that they can make room for me. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to fight every day to keep things in perspective for myself. It’s easy to lose sight of what I know I’m capable of. I want to learn self sufficiency and real skill. I think of life like a game of chess, making specific moves to open room up for more moves. My mind is constantly organizing and operating in that manner. I’m not fond of cycles, it bothers me to know that I keep coming to the same understanding over and over again. I don’t trust other people with my well being and my life. Not doctors, nor lawyers, banks, colleges or anything else that seems to “provide” for the general public. So that just means that I have to become self sufficient. I have to know how my body works to heal myself, I have to learn how to manage my own money through in and throughout, how to make money on my own for that matter, legally. I have to know the law and how to protect myself with the right words. I want to know how to build my own house, repair my own vehicle. Which means I have a lot of work to do on my own time in order to obtain these things. It doesn’t mean that I have to pay thousands of dollars in college or technical schooling to learn these things, no. It means that I have to invest my time, energy, and money wisely in order to do it on my own.It takes a lot of courage to do what you want to do and believe in yourself because you know you’re capable of it but you’re afraid of a bunch of nothing you’ve created into something big enough to prevent you from going after your dreams. What happens to a dream deferred? I don’t want to find out.

Author- Ariana McBride